Encouragement Didn't Save Me; Cold, Hard Truth Did
We all like to hear what we want to hear when we're going through difficult times. On my bad days, I always want to hear someone tell me how strong I am, how my courage is something to be proud of, or how loved I am. Unfortunately, most of the time, what I want to hear, is not what I need to hear.
Don't get me wrong, hearing those things on my bad days are great. But when that's all I constantly hear, I feel as if I'm being 'babied.' I feel like a child that needs validation from others to gain some sort of satisfaction or some kind of self-confidence. In no way is that healthy for myself, or the person I'm expecting it to come from.
I can honestly say that there are many, many things in this life that have saved me. My faith will always be the first. But there are so many small things in this life that have saved me that most people would overlook. Sure, my friends and my family who have always been there for me. But what about that spectacular sunset last week that I couldn't seem to take enough pictures of? How about that sweet couple I served at work months ago that reminded me that my life is worth living, even when they know nothing about me? What about the time spent with my two best friends that always consists of broken sentences because we can't catch our breath from so much laughter? What about that day I had a few weeks ago that seemed so wonderful it was almost too good to be true? It sure was full of sweet serendipity. It wasn’t by chance that I began looking at life in such a way. It wasn’t by chance that I began paying attention to all of the small details of life that took my breath away.
What about the few people in your life that have spoken truth? Not what you wanted to hear, not the sweet, compassionate, and loving words you wish to hear. I'm talking about such truth that it hits you like a ton of bricks, completely changes your perspective, and whips you into shape.
As much of my life is a blur, I cannot recall who, except that it has been multiple people throughout my lifetime. I cannot recall when it was, or where I was. All I know is that it was during my darkest of times. I've always been awful at reaching out to those around me when I need it the most. I've never been entirely sure why. Maybe because I don't want to burden them, maybe because I know what some of them are going to say and I don't want to hear it - whether it be good or bad - or maybe because I would much rather wallow in my sadness because that's what's comfortable. In the few times that I have reached out, some I don’t regret, because what saved me were these words and the lesson I learned from the different ways people had of speaking the truth;
"You have the will to live. Somewhere, deep down inside of you, it's there. The people around you can tell you that you're loved, worthy, and courageous all they want. But none of that means anything when you don't even believe them. Your will to live will never be found in what other's think of you, no matter how convinced you are of it. Your will to live will be found in hope and whether or not you desire to see the other side; the side that is full of light and the overwhelming feeling of joy. Your will to live will be found in whether or not you wish to experience more of this life. Do you want to see tomorrow's sunset and that concert you have planned for next week, or the next adventure you get to take with your best friends? How about when you meet new friends that will hold a special place in your life? The littlest things you have found a reason to live for up until now still matter. What about your wedding day that will be filled with so much love or the days of simplicity and joy spent at home with the person you're meant to be with? What about your love of seeing other countries and experiencing their culture? If you ever decide that children are in your future, think of the day you'll get to see that precious little face for the first time. What about your next delicious meal, your next rainy day that you love so much, or your next discovery of your new favorite song? Your love for writing and using your story to encourage others may someday turn into something much bigger. Do you really want to throw all of that out? Do you really want to give all of that up? Think long and hard about what you might be missing out on, what you will be giving up. Is your will to live strong enough to make it through to the other side to see those things? Or are those things worth giving up to end a pain that just might end up being temporary? You have a choice to make and a chance to take. Is your will to live strong enough to make that choice and take that chance?”
Anyone willing to speak such things to me deserves an incredible amount of recognition. Not only is that a lot for me to take in, but it takes a very special person that views life on a much deeper level to think of life in such a way, and to share it with someone like me who is hurting. So if you are someone who has helped to change my perspective and you’re reading this, thank you. I don't remember much from the very first time looking at life in such a way was brought to my attention. But I do certainly remember that it hit me like a ton of bricks. That had to have been years ago, assuming that I heard it right around the time I began recovery. To this day, it still hits me just as hard.
If I have learned anything on this journey, it is that my worth and will to live is not found in anyone else. I am not worthy to continue living on this planet just because someone says so. I am worthy to continue living just because. My will to live cannot come from waking up tomorrow and wanting to hear someone tell me how loved I am, or from waking up tomorrow and wanting to hear someone remind me of how courageous and inspiring I am. My will to live cannot come from someone else giving me validation. My will to live can only come from one thing; hope.
When I look back on what I can remember about my life, so much of it is absolutely wonderful. It has been filled with so much laughter. I think laughter is what keeps me going a lot of the time. But in laughter, comes so many different emotions. Joy is my favorite. But out of laughter and that joy also comes memories. We always seem to remember the times we were laughing the most out of any other memories. When I look back on the nights when I came much too close to giving up, or the nights when I gave into relapse, I am honestly extremely disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I seriously thought this life wasn't worth living. I seriously thought that giving up all of the things that most people have to look forward to without even realizing was worth it. I seriously thought that my will to live never even existed. I didn't want to live to meet any of those new people, or have adventures with anyone. I didn't want to live to experience other cultures or get married. I didn't want to live to see that next sunset because that would mean another day of a living hell. I didn't want to live to see or experience any of it. See, none of those things mattered, none of them gave me a will to live. Why? Because I was continuing to find my will to live in those around me and the encouragement they had for me. But none of that ever did anything for me. None of what anyone was saying to me was going to change how I felt about myself. I didn’t believe them when they said I was loved or worthy. I certainly didn’t believe them when they told me that I was courageous for never giving up. None of those kind words changed anything. The only thing that was going to change anything was my perspective. The only thing that was going to do anything for me was my will to live for the things to come.
When it's all said and done, the basis of my will to live comes from hope. You can't find much of that - if any at all - in others, or even in yourself. Hope is what keeps me going; because I look forward to whatever it is that is ahead. The things I once thought that were worth throwing away in return for my pain to go away are now what I look forward to. I hope that all of those things will happen. Some already have. There's always that chance some never will happen. But in place of that, will be something else just as exciting that will. Whatever that is, I have hope in looking forward to it. There is an excitement in the things unknown, and the things that have yet to happen. There is anticipation that builds inside of me each day. Each day is unknown in what it will bring to the table, but that’s what keeps life exciting. My will to live will always be found in the hope of tomorrow.
If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741
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