10 Ways My Mental Illness is Invalidated

If someone were to ask me where my identity and validation of who I am as a person comes from, I could confidently answer it. I know where my true validation comes from, and Who the source of that true validation is. However, that does not go to say that I still feel invalidated. In fact, regardless of the truth, I still feel invalidated every single day of my life. I am not seeking some kind of self-satisfaction when I say I am looking for my mental illness to be validated. My self-confidence isn't as low as it used to be, and that's something I used to crave. I not only speak for myself, but for the entire mental health community, when I say that all I want is for my mental illness to be validated. I want the feelings and emotions that come with it to be validated. I want someone to look me in the eye - even if they don't understand what I endure - and tell me that what I'm feeling is real, my mental illness is real, and that there is nothing wrong with that. 

I will openly admit that my mental illness is one of the few things I'm still extremely uneasy about. It's a highly sensitive topic in so many ways, and I feel as if I have to walk on egg shells when I try to talk about it. My point is, is that it shouldn't be like that! Most people do not have to walk on egg shells when they talk about their family, what they're passionate about, their favorite color, or where they're from. Just as all of those "normal" things are a part of one person, my mental illness is a part of me. That isn't something I should be ashamed about.

But guess what? It is.

Why? Because society has put mental illness into a little box that only they can take the lid off of. Except that lid only comes off when they say so, and under their circumstances. Mental illness is not openly talked about because society has such a narrow minded opinion about the entire concept of it. No one wants to talk about it because it isn't what's "normal." No one wants to talk about the nasty parts of it; no one wants to talk about the scary parts of it. But I am here to normalize it in the sense that it is so much more common than you think, and I am here to talk about the nasty parts of it, the scary parts of it - the parts of it that you don't want to talk about.

Here are some of the most common ways my mental illness is invalidated on a daily basis (daily basis is also not an over exaggeration).

1. "Oh honey, we're all a little insane on the inside"

Hahahah. Wrong. I'm not so sure you understand what insane REALLY means. Insane is not being more weird than other people. It is not occasionally thinking bad thoughts. It is not that awful quote that's there to apparently motivate you change your life up - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." No, insane is directly defined as being in a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill. Now, I'm not saying I'm like this on a regular basis. But when I fall into a dissociative episode or a breakdown brought on by my PTSD, I literally feel insane. Not the kind of insane where I could or would be classified as a psychopath or sociopath (yes, there is a difference), but the kind of insane where I have overwhelming thoughts of wanting to die with no particular plan in place, which makes me feel even more mad inside, curled up in the fetal position, and unable to determine what is reality and what is not. Most of the time, I contemplate whether or not it would be smart to voluntarily admit myself. I always decide against it, for some reason.

2. "Everyone has bad thoughts."

Bad thoughts as in you want to die because you feel like the most worthless human being to ever walk the planet so you come up with a plan to die? Bad thoughts as in you’ve been evaluated by behavioral health several times? Bad thoughts as in no matter how many positive things there are in your life, you can only ever see the negative? Bad thoughts as in you can sometimes only ever focus on your past traumas no matter how hard you try to focus on anything but that? Or bad thoughts as in you feel a little depressed when you think about your life because it isn't what you pictured it would be like?

3. "By you entertaining the thoughts, it only makes your problems worse."

First of all, they aren't "problems." They are real disorders. Second of all, 97% of the time, I don't actually entertain them and give them an opportunity to keep racing. They are persistent thoughts that most of the time, cannot be stopped. My neurotransmitters do not fire like yours do, therefore, I do not "think" myself into an episode. If I am triggered, I still do not "think" myself into it. 

4. "No man is going to love you with all that baggage."

My mental illness has become a big part of me, in a very positive way. As terrible as it may be with all of the mental breakdowns, panic attacks, depressive or dissociative episodes, and awful thoughts of wanting to die, for the right person, it will not be baggage. Someone is going to love me exactly the way I am and help to guide me to an even better me that does not allow it to rule my life. And I will never again settle for someone who does otherwise. DO NOT EVER make me feel as if I am not worthy of love just because my brain does not function properly. DO NOT EVER make anyone feel as if they are not worthy of love just because their brain does not function properly.

5. "Maybe if you would exercise, you might feel a little better."
(I'm going to apologize ahead of time to my mother who I do hear this from – thankfully not in those exact words – and who I know is reading this. Just hear me out).

This is one of the very few things where I will tell you that you're right. Exercise would definitely make me feel better, the problem is depression. Depression is a vicious cycle that consists of low energy levels and fatigue that leads to the use of coping skills to try to reduce the anxiety to a manageable level. That typically does not work (in my case), which leads to increased guilt, hopelessness, and ineffectiveness. Fatigue keeps me feeling as though my body is too heavy to even go to work, let alone go work out in my free time. My job alone feels like a workout for someone as fatigued as me because I walk at least 10 miles per night. Low energy keeps me in bed on my days off, unless there are things I have to get done in town or people I promised plans with. Somewhere down the road, I begin to feel some kind of motivation to work on my coping skills, which almost never work. I feel worthless and hopeless because no matter what I do, nothing helps me get better; thus starting the cycle over again. There is no spot in there for me to have motivation to work out, because I always feel fatigued and exhausted. So yes, you are right; exercise would make me feel better. But believe me when I say that fatigue and exhaustion are much greater.

6. "If you wake up and immediately start thinking positive thoughts, you wouldn't be so depressed."

Yeah, maybe if I was someone who only had depression on a spiritual, emotional, or circumstantial level. But I'm not, therefore I can think positively all I want, but that isn't going to make my neurotransmitters fire any differently, or even correctly for that matter. 

7. "Maybe if you didn't sleep so much, you would feel better."

Sometimes I want the whole world to take the medication I used to take – for approximately 5 years – so that they could understand why I slept so much. Sure, everyone reacts differently to medications and I was on an extremely low dosage, but 10 hours was the average I needed in order to not wake up feeling as if I still had the medication in my system. That medication eventually stopped being effective and I recently started my journey to find a new one. The ones that I have tried since have either not helped me sleep at all, or have caused me to sleep just as much as the one I was on for years. Over sleeping as a result of depression aside, I still take sleeping medication. I’m not talking about melatonin or valerian root; not even things like ambien or lunesta – the kinds of sleeping aids you see on television. I’m talking about antipsychotic and mental health medications that are sedatives. Therefore, I'm going to sleep as long as I need to in order to not wake up feeling awful. If I don’t do so, I wake up with less sleep feeling more depressed than normal.

8. "Maybe if you would reach out to the people who say they're there for you, you would start to see an improvement."

I'm not so sure that society realizes how much of a burden you feel you are to others when you have mental illness. I would love to reach out to the people who have proven to be there for me. I would love to tell them exactly what's going on inside of my head. I would love to ask for help. But when you have so many illnesses that you could count them on two hands, you decide against that because in reality, who in the world would want to listen to someone that has that much stuff going on inside of their head?

9. Jokes about sexual assault, suicide, and self-destructive behaviors.

Sexual assault is a real thing, and it happens so much more often than society thinks it does. It is defined as any type of forced or coerced sexual contact or behavior that happens without consent. It can range from rape, attempted rape, molestation, to harassment and threats. Any person, who has endured sexual assault of any form, knows how difficult it is to recover from it. When ANY kind of joke is made about it, it invalidates those of us who have been assaulted. It can often make us feel as if it was our fault that it occurred. Believe me when I say that when a joke is made about it, I feel as though the person is indirectly saying that what happened to me is a joke. The same goes for suicide and self-destructive behaviors. Suicide is a serious thing and people think it's a joke when someone feels enough pain, internally, that they must take their own lives in order to relieve themselves from that pain. But yet murder isn't made out to be a joke, and that is still the act of taking a life. It is no joke that people have tried to kill themselves. In fact, it is an extraordinary story when someone can say they tried to kill themselves; that means they are here and still fighting. Why are people still making jokes out of the subject? Self-destructive behaviors can range from eating disorders, alcohol abuse, drug addiction, sex addiction, self-injury (i.e. cutting, skin picking, head-banging, hand-biting, excessive skin rubbing and scratching), and suicide attempts. These are serious behaviors that are a cry for help, not a cry for attention. The people who are not yet in recovery need help, they need people to reach out to them and show them that there are so many other healthy ways to be expressing their negative emotions. It is not a joke that people partake in such behaviors. 

10. "If your faith in God were better, He would heal you."

I have never hidden or denied my faith. God is the only reason I am still alive at this point, and Jesus is the only reason I still have hope. But the level of my faith does not determine my time of healing. God can heal miraculously; healing can come to those who were only saved last week. I've seen it happen and it's a phenomenal thing. But if God was going to heal me like that, He would have already done so. I have learned to accept that He has not chosen that path of healing for me. I hope and I pray that He will choose to heal me before the die that I die, so that I may enjoy this life for what it truly is without mental illness being present. But if He doesn't, no matter what, heaven will be the place I get to spend an eternity without it. I could have the strongest faith in this world and I would still be fully convinced that God has chosen to heal me over time.

There are so many other things I could add to this list, but these are the 10 things that I hear the most often, and they are the 10 I have the strongest opinions about. My hope is that those who make jokes about mental illness, or say things that could easily make the mental health community feel invalidated, will take a step back and reevaluate their words. I’m not asking anyone to walk on eggshells around those of us who suffer from mental illness. I’m asking for those people to look at things from the bigger picture. Get rid of the narrowmindedness, because those are not the only opinions that matter.

Mental illness was not made to be this tragically beautiful and poetic thing that some people think it was made to be. It is terrifying, messy, and an indescribable thing. Out of that, is where the beauty comes from. But that’s where people put their blinders on. We have to talk about the messy parts before we can see the beautiful parts. We have to talk about what hurts before we can see the beautiful parts. I will keep talk about those things until society can see that it isn’t such a scary topic after all. I will keep talking about those things until society no longer makes the mental health community feel invalidated.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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