When a Panic Attack Ends in an Emergency Room Visit
Panic disorder is not something I have dealt with for the majority of my life unlike most of my other illnesses. It was something that developed and was diagnosed only a few years ago as a result of my PTSD that has been ongoing since the beginning of high school. I believe I started experiencing the panic attacks toward the end of high school, although, at the time, I never knew what they were. I figured it was just an anxiety attack each time it happened, but it still didn't make sense that it differed from my normal anxiety attacks.
Panic attacks are something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. I would much rather have an anxiety attack than a panic attack any day. My anxiety attacks are almost always short lived and I almost always know my trigger, so I'm usually able to avoid said triggers in order to prevent an anxiety attack from occurring. My panic attacks happen at any given moment; they occur whenever they want, and however they want. They are almost always unprovoked and they are most certainly always unpredictable. The physical symptoms are what make a panic attack the scariest thing you will ever experience on this earth. Your nervous system begins to prepare you for a life or death situation, regardless of the fact that you aren't actually in any danger (if you're interested in the science aspect of what physically happens to your nervous system, which is actually very interesting, I suggest checking this out). You begin to hyperventilate because you start to feel as if you cannot breathe. You keep trying to get air into your lungs (if you're interested in the science aspect of why your breathing becomes abnormal, which is actually also very interesting, I suggest checking this out) but only make yourself feel like you're going to pass out. Chest pains result from not getting enough air. You can usually feel your heart palpitating. I personally sweat uncontrollably, yet my body typically feels freezing cold. You begin to tremble and shake uncontrollably, and your vision becomes blurred which results in being unable to hold anything, not to mention perform important tasks like walking or driving. You feel incredibly nauseous. Not only does your head not feel right, but something inside of your body doesn't feel right.
Whether I am outside in an open area, or in a large or small room, I still feel as if the “walls” are closing in on me. Everything keeps getting smaller and I feel as if I'm being smothered. My depersonalization disorder kicks in almost immediately, which I think is the hardest part. I disassociate from anything and everything that is happening around me. It's as if I am sitting on the other side of the room watching this person panicking. I am two different people, yet still myself in two forms. The person across the room does not move, it does not speak, it only observes. The person panicking is screaming for help, and wondering why the person across the room doesn't do anything. Why am I not helping myself? This is what, in my opinion, sets my panic attacks and anxiety attacks apart. My panic attacks are a literal out of body experience due to the disassociation. At that point, I feel as if I'm dying. I am physically screaming, crying, and wailing because I feel as if at that moment, death has come upon me.
Sounds scary, doesn't it? I sure would think so if I had never experienced a panic attack before.
I remember thinking that I was so thankful that I never had the kinds of panic attacks that involved vomiting, blacking out, passing out, or feeling like I would rather die. I used to experience panic attacks several times a week for several years. Thankfully, most occurred while I was lying in bed, therefore, they were easier to eventually get under control. They also were never very severe. However, within the last year or two, they have seemed to manifest into something much more significant. I have now had panic attacks at work, in my car while I'm trying to drive, in front of friends in their houses, and in public around friends, and even strangers.
On January 12th, I endured the worst panic attack I have ever experienced that eventually landed me in the emergency room. This panic attack was unique in so many ways. I actually had a trigger. Or at least something triggered me in the beginning, but it eventually turned into something much bigger. This panic attack occurred while I was out for the night with a few friends. This also meant that there were plenty of strangers surrounding me. I still feel completely embarrassed. The friends that I was with hadn't ever really experienced me in that state before, and they do not know the depths of my illnesses, as my friendship with them is still growing.
My panic attacks have always been minor. I had never blacked out, never passed out, and never vomited. I've never had a panic attack that has lasted more than an hour or two. My previous panic attacks always felt like I was dying, but they had never made me feel like I wanted to die. The sensation of feeling like I was dying was much greater than I had ever experienced, resulting in me feeling like I wanted to die; to make it end that is. The “walls” closed in more than they ever had before. It felt like more than just death, it felt like a demon.
As dark, depressing, and alarming as this may sound, the best and only way I am able to describe this panic attack, is that I became a demon; I became my own demon. At one point during this specific panic attack, I was left in the car alone (I'm positive the friend did not intentionally leave me in there knowing it would make the panic attack worse. I'm positive she just didn't really know the steps that should be taken when you are around someone experiencing a panic attack, which I do not hold against her). In that specific state, I needed someone there to help calm me down. Because I was in the car alone, the panic attack only escalated. I remember feeling as if I wasn't even myself. Laura did not exist in her normal form. The only thing that existed was this demon I became that somehow took control. I was not only crying, I was literally screaming. I kept banging on the window trying to get help because I knew if I got out of the car, I would fall over. Looking back, I'm left to wonder if I was banging on that window as if it was me banging and screaming from the inside, begging the demon to let me out. The only words I could muster up consisted of, 'I want to die.' I have never said that out loud before. Even when I was dealing with suicidal thoughts every single day, I never actually said those words out loud. I kept saying I wanted to die because I felt as if death was lingering over me, and yet it wouldn't take me. Death was looking down at me and laughing; finding some kind of amusement watching me feel tortured.
I do not remember what occurred in the car once my friend had returned. I had blacked out. The only thing I do remember was calling a dear friend of mine in order to get myself somewhere safe. I knew she would be my safe place. I blacked out during the car ride to her house. When I tried getting out of the car once we arrived at her house, my legs gave out and I collapsed in a huge puddle. I don't know how I managed to get back up and make it up her stairs. I remember trying to explain to her what had happened. I still don't think I made much sense to her. She tried to calm me down, but nothing was working. At that point, she made the decision that it would be best to take me to the emergency room. I remember not wanting to go because I knew I would have to speak to a social worker from the behavioral health department. If any of you have read some of my previous posts, you would know that I had the worst experience in high school when I was taken to the emergency room for suicide. I was almost certain this time would be a repeat, and that no one was going to take me seriously. After all, most of society does not take panic attacks seriously. I blacked out once again on our way to the hospital. I remember the social worker telling me that he was not going to 51/50 (72 hour involuntary psychiatric hold) me only because he felt that I was safe, which I was, and not a danger to myself, which I was not. He said that he was proud of me for making the decision, whether conscious or unconscious, to call a friend in order to get somewhere safe, as well as somewhat agreeing to be taken to the emergency room. He was such a nice man. I do not remember his name, or much more of the conversation. All I know is that he exceeded my expectations and made my emergency room visit a little bit more comforting. At some point, the doctor came in. I only remember his face. I have zero memory of what he said or did. Lab work needed to be done, so I had to get myself to the bathroom to give them a sample. I remember trying to walk out of the bathroom and suddenly collapsed near the toilet and began vomiting as a result of feeling so nauseous. I remember nothing after that other than being discharged - after being there for around 5 hours - and vomiting once again before making it to the car. I do not remember arriving back at the house or being put to bed.
I am a firm believer in the fact that you can learn something from anything and everything. I have learned so much from all of my illnesses. I am thankful for them (most days) because I am the person I am today as a result of the lessons they have taught me. My previous panic attacks have taught me what they're like and what I should do in order to try to get them under control. However, this panic attack was so debilitating that I am unsure how to learn from it. Obviously I know to get myself somewhere safe if it happens again. But this is something I would never wish upon the person I dislike most in this world. I would never wish it upon any living human being. I wish it never happened. I wish I had blacked out during the entire thing so that I would not have to remember what it was like. This panic attack is by far, the most awful thing I have ever experienced in this life. I am now absolutely terrified that I will have another just like it. It's now happened once, who's to say it won't happen again? My problem is that panic attacks are nearly unavoidable. Because they typically do not have a trigger, there is nothing for you to avoid that could trigger it like you can do with an anxiety attack. I am terrified that when it happens again, I will not be in a safe place or around safe people. I am doing my best to mentally prepare myself for when it happens again, but I'm not so sure I can even do that.
Mental illness is something I believe everyone in the world should be somewhat educated on. Panic attacks have always been at the top of that list. It any of you have ever been around someone who is experiencing a panic attack, you know exactly what I am talking about in terms of needing to be educated on the subject in order to be of assistance. Those who are uneducated in panic attacks almost always believe I am overreacting; that my panic attack is an overreaction to basically nothing. I am almost never taken seriously. Sometimes I feel like most people think panic attacks are just a joke. The term is thrown around so lightly whenever someone has a mental breakdown. When people like me actually experience them, no one takes it seriously because that mental breakdown your friend had the other day wasn't really that serious. Why is mine any different? My panic attacks are not a mental breakdown. I have mental breakdowns frequently and I can promise you they are in no way the same thing. Please try to remember that panic attacks are an out of body experience, therefore, the person is usually not able to control their actions and reactions. Nothing about a panic attack is a joke. It is a serious matter that needs to be taken extremely seriously, otherwise the attack can be even more traumatizing to the person experiencing it than it already is. There are steps and precautions that should be taken as someone who is around someone experiencing one. Most people are completely unaware that I even suffer from panic disorder, which means most people are likely unaware that the people around them even suffer from it. A panic attack can surprise you just as much as it surprises the person who is experiencing it. That is why it is so important to be educated on what needs to be done.
If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741
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