What My Last Medication Change Was Like

If I'm counting correctly, I have tried at least 12 different mental health medications since the age of 12. It sounds like a lot when I say it out loud, but in reality, it isn't that high of a number if you compare it to the amount of medications that are out there for people to try. 

I am not ashamed of that number. At all. I never will be.

See, somewhere in those 12 medications, I have actually found the right combination. 

For many years, I was taking 2 of them that worked wonders on me. I still swear to this day that if it weren't for the 2 of them together, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

Unfortunately, they stopped doing as good of a job after a while for a variety of reasons. Life experiences and circumstances changed, and therefore, the effects of the medications don't always end up being the same. I could still feel the effects of them, but it just wasn't enough to keep my head above water.

I stayed on 1, but we removed the other and replaced it with something else.

For a variety of other reasons, my psychiatrist and I decided that combining the 2 medications I was on for years back together - as well as adding a 3rd to augment them - would be a good idea. Many life circumstances have changed that have allowed for me to believe it would be a good idea.

We made the change over the course of the last month. Finally, last week, we added the 3rd medication to the mix. And it was hell.

I was already extremely nervous about taking this medication. The name of it is Topamax, and it's technically an anticonvulsant medication prescribed to those who suffer from seizures. However, the FDA has approved it for use and treatment of bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, and to be used as a mood stabilizer - aka, to augment other mental health medications. 

My psychiatrist felt it would be a good medication to use for a variety of reasons. He was hoping it would help me lose weight since I've gained a decent amount of it in the last year. He also was hoping it would be the right addition to what I was already taking.

I have been seeing him since I was 14 and I trust him, his judgement, and his decisions when it comes to the medications he feels I should be taking. Unfortunately, just like any mental health medication, it is trial and error. I have experienced a lot of error considering I've tried and failed with so many of them. But out of all of those medications I have tried over the years, I have never felt so awful than when I started taking the Topamax.

It typically takes a few days for you to even begin feeling any kind of side effects from a mental health medication. About 2 days in, I started feeling so sluggish and exhausted that I couldn't even hardly hold my body up. He had me taking it at night because it tends to make a lot of people sleepy, but for some reason it was interfering with my already existing sleeping medication, so I was awake the majority of every night. I began to feel so incredibly nauseous that I could hardly stand it. I HATE the idea of vomiting unless I absolutely have to. I swear by ginger root pills and probably exceeded the maximum dosage by a long shot over the course of about 5 days to ensure that I didn't vomit.

The nausea was so bad that I couldn't focus on anything I was doing because all I could think about was the fact that I felt so awful. The girls at work could all tell I didn't feel well at all, and they could tell that I was having a really rough time with it. I was so incredibly hungry, but anytime I tried to eat anything, I felt 10 times worse. I can count on one hand how many things I was able to eat of the course of 5 days. 

I wanted so badly to just stop taking it because I knew there was absolutely no way I could continue taking it and experiencing those kinds of side effects. However, because it's an anticonvulsant drug, if you suddenly stop taking it, it can cause you to have seizures. I was on a low enough dose to start out with just like you do with any mental health medication, that it probably wouldn't have mattered. But I wasn't about to do it and take my chances. Of course, it was the weekend, so I had to wait until Monday to contact my psychiatrist to let him know what was going on. I called him first thing on Monday and I was told I could stop taking it.

I've reacted negatively to several other mental health medications during my journey to find the right combination. But never have I felt that awful. I have never been so thankful to hear him tell me I could stop taking a medication. 

I woke up Tuesday morning and felt like a million bucks because I actually slept and I actually wanted to eat food. 

My mom asked me the other day why I don't just stick to what I'm already on and not add a third medication.

I thought about that a long time ago. But my life circumstances are very different compared to when I was on these 2 medications years ago, and things are a lot more difficult for me to cope with and deal with inside of my head than they were years ago. 

The best way I know how to explain what mental health medications do for me, is keep my head above water. With the right combination, my entire head and neck are above water and I don't feel like I'm struggling. Right now, with the 2 that I'm on, I feel like the water level is up to my forehead. So they're keeping me sane, but they aren't keeping my head above water. I do believe that with the right medication added to augment them, my head will eventually find its way back up above the water level. 

Knowing that I've tried as many as I have is a little discouraging, because I've had more failures than I have had successes. It gets exhausting and it almost feels like you'll never find the right combination when it's been so long since you were on something that worked.

But knowing that medication is the only thing keeping me alive right now, is enough for me to keep fighting and keep trying out new ones until I find what works for me. 

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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