The Difference Between Passive and Active Suicidal Thoughts

Let me begin by saying that I am in no way a danger to myself or to others. This post is mostly being written to help educate others on the difference between active and passive suicidal thoughts. 

The first thing someone thinks of when an individual tells them that they're suicidal, is that they need to be put in a mental institution. They automatically assume that the individual is going to kill themselves before the night is over. They're wrong.

Many people will admit that they feel suicidal on a regular basis, but a lot of the time, they only experience passive suicidal thoughts. Let's break down the difference for a moment.

Active suicidal thoughts mean that a person has come up with a plan to kill themselves and has taken the steps to put that plan into motion. They may or may not reach out to their loved ones and say their last goodbyes. Passive suicidal thoughts mean that an individual thinks about death almost on a regular basis, but has no plan to carry out the deed.

I have experienced suicidal thoughts since I was a child. I remember them starting as early as 10 or 11 years old, however, I wasn't diagnosed with any kind of illness until I was 12. I've basically been suicidal continuously since I was that young. However, the majority of the suicidal thoughts have all been passive.

When I say I'm suicidal, this is what I mean:

My life is riddled with anxiety on a 24/7 basis, and my thoughts are consumed by depression and traumatic events that I can't see to escape. All I want is for the pain to go away. I want to experience life for what it was really supposed to be for me. I want a brain that has neurotransmitters that fire properly. I want a brain that does what it's supposed to do. I'm tired of the sadness and the fact that depression seems to linger over my head no matter how many happy thoughts I think and how many happy experiences I have. I don't want to die because I hate my life and everything about it. I actually love life and have a zest for it. No - I want to die because I'm tired of the pain. It has been 10 years since I was diagnosed. I have been fighting this war for much too long and quite frankly, I'm not only exhausted, but I'm just completely over it. I'm ready for everything to go away. But it doesn't seem to, and therefore, I believe that death is the only answer. With death, comes peace. It means that my pain will be no more. That's all I want. If I could live a life of peace within my own brain, I wouldn't want to die.

Put it this way; I wouldn't intentionally walk out in front of a car so that they will hit me, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind if they swerved off the road and hit me while I was walking. 

I have been actively suicidal many times since I was diagnosed. I've been to the emergency room several times, and have been hospitalized once. I know what it's like to experience intrusive suicidal thoughts to the point where you can hardly function. All you can think of is the fact that everyone on this earth closest to you is better off without you and the fact that you don't deserve the life you have been given. I know what it's like to come up with a plan to end your own life, and nearly carry through with it. 

Believe me when I say, that if I tell you I'm feeling suicidal, it's passive. I'm a pretty straight forward person; if I have a plan, I'm probably going to tell someone, like I did when I was hospitalized. Unless I state that I have a plan, you have nothing to worry about. 

Sure, you should be concerned, because I'm obviously still feeling enough pain in my life to still think about death. But you do not have to worry about me doing anything that is going to destroy many lives. 

There's actually some beauty in passive suicidal thoughts. For me, it means that I am resilient enough to keep them at bay. It means that I have the ability to understand that there is still some beauty in this world and I want to be around to see it. 

I'm proud of the fact that despite thinking of death every single day from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, I am able to find the beauty in life and the small things that bring me joy. I try to fill my days with laughter, smiles, good humor, coffee, and meaningful conversations. It reminds me of why I choose not to come up with a plan and carry it out. 

I put up a resilient fight against the active suicidal thoughts because I've got people to prove wrong in this world. The disgusting individuals that used to tell me to kill myself in middle school and high school probably wish I would have succeeded a long time ago. I fight to keep my suicidal thoughts passive so that they can't win. 

There's no telling if and when my passive suicidal thoughts will ever become active again. I like to think that since my hospitalization, I have a little bit better of a hold on them. Life has been treating me well these last few months and I like to think that that's all enough to keep the thoughts at bay. On the bad days, I think about all of the things I'm going to miss out on if I were to leave too soon. That's enough to keep them as passive for the time being.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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