What Recovering from PTSD Looks like When Society Says I Can't Have it
We all know what post traumatic-stress disorder is. We all know that most people who come back from war experience it. In fact, about 30% of men and women who experience war zones are diagnosed with it.
But what about the rest of us? What about those of us who never experienced war but have been diagnosed?
An estimated 7.6% of Americans will experience PTSD at some point in their lives with women twice as more likely to experience it than men. Events leading up to or causing PTSD can consist of sexual assault, a traumatic car accident, childhood abuse or neglect, emotional and physical abuse, finding a loved one deceased, or the suicide or death of a loved one.
Those who come home from war and experienced PTSD are completely valid. I in no way ever want to experience what they had to experience. But when they are honest with their loved ones and admit that they have been diagnosed with PTSD, their feelings and emotions are validated, and actions following the diagnosis are validated.
But for some reason, my emotions, feelings, and actions are not. That is simply because I am not a veteran. Society has made me feel as if I am not allowed to have PTSD if I did not go to war. To most people, I don't show symptoms of my illness. No one even knows I have it unless I tell them. But my second most dominating illness following my depression, according to my psychiatrist, is PTSD. I don't have any bruises or scars to show for the trauma that I have endured; therefore, according to society, I must not have it.
I spent the majority of my life carefree. Post traumatic-stress disorder never even became a thing for me until I was in high school. I am still not at the point in my recovery where I can openly talk about my traumas, but most people are aware of the three major events that occurred. Unfortunately, because I do not feel comfortable talking about them, my illness is invalidated. I'd like to say that the details of my trauma are not important, and that in this case, they don't matter. But they are important and they do matter because unless I speak up about them, society says that I didn't endure trauma and that I shouldn't have ended up with PTSD.
But here's the truth, I have experienced sexual assault that has permanently damaged me. I require a good amount of physical space from people, particularly men. I am constantly looking at the people in my life wondering who is going to assault me next, and when it's going to happen. I have experienced abuse, both mentally and physically that has completely warped my perception of love and what it is supposed to be like. I may never have another healthy relationship again because of it. I hope and pray that isn't the case though. I am extremely "jumpy." I feel on edge constantly. I do not do well with others who raise their voices, yell at me, or come up behind me and scare me. I have experienced a situation within the church that I still to this day haven't really accepted. It has permanently affected the way that I look at the church and it's leaders. I am extremely terrified that I will never be able to attend church the way that I used to be because of it. I currently do not attend because if I don't attend, it doesn't give anyone else the chance to do what has already been previously done.
As a result of my trauma, I have an extreme and unrealistic fear of going anywhere in public alone. I am constantly aware that those who have traumatized me, will already be where I am attempting to go. It keeps me from going to the grocery store, so I often do not have an adequate amount of food in my house. It keeps me from casually walking into a gas station to pick up something. It keeps me from being the independent person I was raised to be. I am in constant fear that they will show up to where I work, so I'm never 100% comfortable in my workplace.
Not only that, but the fact that people tell me that I can't have PTSD or that I shouldn't have PTSD just adds to the hurt and trauma. I already feel invalidated. I've felt invalidated since everything happened and I tried to speak up about them for the first time. On top of that, I've got people left and right telling me that I'm not allowed to have PTSD because I didn't go to war and fight for our country. I am denied many of the services that veterans receive because of the fact that I'm not one of them. That isn't their fault and I do not hold it against them. But it honestly down right sucks for people like me. I want my illness and the feelings and emotions and actions that come along with it to be validated just like theirs.
Some days, I can't eat at all, other days I eat way too much of my comfort food. I have terrible nightmares that interrupt my sleep constantly. I have flashbacks that are so debilitating; sometimes I can't even function correctly afterwards. I have dissociative episodes several times a week. I can never rest. I can't tell you the last time I actually felt relaxed. My mind is constantly in fight-or-flight mode, doing its best to protect me from those who have previously traumatized me and those who may traumatize me in the future.
I have fought long and hard in my recovery journey. But I fight especially long and hard in my recovery from PTSD because of how debilitating the entire illness is. I have spent countless nights trying my best to fall asleep instead of listening to the intrusive thoughts or paying attention to the flashbacks. For a long time, I felt that I could not tell anyone what was really happening or how I was really feeling because of the stigma that surrounds PTSD. I am not allowed to have it, therefore, I cannot speak about it. I am expected to sit down and shut up about my trauma, because in reality, people don't even see any of the events that have happened to me as traumatic. I am just some girl who "overreacted" to certain events in her life.
I have tried my best to keep finding the strength every single day to speak up about what has happened to me and why it has affected me the way that it has. I have apparently ruined the reputations of some of the people who have traumatized me. But part of being a survivor and not a victim, is speaking up against those who have traumatized you and not allowing them to keep you quiet. I have tried many, many different combinations of medications and I have put in many hours of therapy sessions that rip my heart out, but end up healing it in the end. I have had to try and fail before I could take a step forward. I've had to be painfully honest with my mental health providers, my family, and my friends. I have fought the stigma by being painfully honest. I'm sure half of them didn't want to hear it, or even believe it. But by my speaking up, they understand more of PTSD and what traumatic events can do to people. I have had to put myself through more pain just to work through the initial pain. I have had to stop avoiding every personal, upsetting, and triggering question. The more I avoid, the more steps backward I take. I have to face those questions that I so desperately do not want to answer in order to make any kind of progress. The more questions people ask, the more I am able to think about the things I have tried so hard to bury deep. I can't face any of those things if I continue to bury them.
I wish that I would have been able to stop PTSD in its tracks before it got out of hand. But I have to accept that I couldn't, and so does society. I have done everything that I can to help myself improve and beat this illness. Society is going to have to see that, because I stopped shutting up about it a long time ago.
If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741
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