Why People Are Surprised When I Tell Them That I Have Persistent Depressive Disorder

I don't know how or why, but somehow, when I meet someone new, I find myself telling them that I have PDD, or just mental illness in general. I think it's usually because they'll ask me what I do for fun, or what I do in my free time. I mean, I try to write, and I spend time with my two best friends; but for the most part, I just sulk in my sadness. Sometimes, I don't even realize I'm doing it. I just casually explain to them that it's hard for me to enjoy the things that normal people enjoy because there's this ever-lingering cloud of darkness and sadness that follows me wherever I go. 

Somehow, I walk through PDD with this outlook that life is beautiful. I love to laugh, I love to make jokes, and make other people laugh. I love walking outside in the fall and looking at all of the beautiful colors that resonate with my soul. On the outside, it looks like I'm this happy go lucky kind of girl. And I am, on the outside. But on the inside, I feel like I'm somehow cheating death every single day. Sometimes I think it's a joke that I'm still alive. 

I spend each day convincing people that I'm happy. The people who know me best know that I'm miserable just about every single day. But the people that I just met or the people I'm casual acquaintances with, have no idea. When they ask me what I do for fun, I have to explain to them that I don't really do anything for fun, because other than traveling, nothing seems "fun" because there's no enjoyment in anything. I can't travel every day, so I don't really do anything for fun every day. They're so shocked that I just told them the reason why is because I have depression.

PDD is basically major depressive disorder that has lasted for at least 2 years. So my original diagnosis was MDD. I was diagnosed when I was 12. 

I was 12.

What 12 year old even knows what that is?

I had no idea what it meant other than the fact that I had an answer as to why I was so incredibly sad day in and day out. I didn't know anything about the science behind it, and I didn't understand that it meant my brain basically had a malfunction within itself. 

It's hard for me to explain to people that I even have any kind of depression. They always ask me how it's even possible. They question the validity of my statement, and question whether or not I'm even being honest with them. I don't like being questioned. I know for a fact that I have depression. Just because I spend each day laughing and smiling and pretending that everything is okay doesn't mean I don't have it.

I don't want to bring the people around me down with my depressing moods. I feed off other people's emotions, so I take that into consideration for other people. If there are people around me that feed off my emotions, I'm going to make them sad, and I hate thinking about that. My depression makes me the most selfless person in the fact that I don't want to bring other people down. Some days are better than others. I'll express it on the bad days. But on the better days when it isn't so persistent, I keep my mouth shut, because what's the point? 

People tell me that I have a smile that could light up the room, and that my personality is infectious. Those same people are surprised when I tell them how bad my depression really is. 

I guess I'm not really sure what my point of writing this was (which doesn’t happen very often when I write). I think it's because I want people to understand that a smile and laughter can hide some of the darkest thoughts and emotions. You never know who is struggling. 350 million people worldwide are diagnosed with some type of depression in their life. I’m willing to bet money that at least half of them pretend that absolutely nothing is wrong. I am one of those people.

Do not question my diagnosis. It’s there for a reason. Do not question someone else when they tell you they have it, just because you think they shouldn’t. A smile can hide everything, be sympathetic when someone tells you what their smile is hiding.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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