Why It's Impossible to Feel "Normal" When You Have a Mental Illness

I know most people don't really believe that there's such a thing as "normal." But as someone with mental illness, normal actually exists.

I am not normal. I've known since at least the age of 12 that I wasn't normal. I wasn't like all of the other kids. I didn't find enjoyment in the normal things other kids did. I didn't have any motivation to learn how to take care of myself or do my homework to keep my grades up in school. I felt sad every single day and I hated myself. I had no idea why any of that was the case until I was diagnosed with depression. Everything made sense then, and I realized why I wasn't "normal."

Having and battling mental illness day in and day out is the most exhausting - and yet also the bravest - thing I will ever have to face. However, I do have my weak moments; lots of them, actually. One of the hardest things about mental illness that I've had to come to terms with is that my brain isn't normal. My brain actually has a malfunction within itself. 

Let's talk science for a moment.

Your neurotransmitters are these cool little things that carry messages back and forth between your neurons. Your neurotransmitters are what tell your heart to beat the way that it does, and they're also what tell your brain to move your fingers in such a way that you can pick that cup up to consume water. Sometimes, your neurotransmitters misfire, and are unable to carry the messages to the brain that release the chemicals known as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. When your neurotransmitters misfire and begin to fail at producing these chemicals, mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and in some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder begins to develop. 

I was diagnosed when I was 12, but I personally believe that my neurotransmitters began to misfire as early as 10 or 11 years old. However, it wasn't up until a few years ago that I began to fully understand the science behind why I was the way that I was. When I was first diagnosed, I knew I wasn't normal. I knew mental illness wasn't normal, but I didn't really know the science behind what was happening and why it was causing me to feel the way that I was. 

A few years ago, I began researching the entire concept of mental illness in depth. It was then that I realized that my brain does not function the way that it was designed to. It was devastating for me. I had the hardest time coming to terms with the fact that my brain was created so intricately - it was designed to function properly and conquer great things; yet it wasn't doing so - heck, it couldn't. My brain couldn't function the way that it was designed to. It took me several years to finally come to terms with the fact that my brain doesn't do what it's supposed to.

And let me tell you something, that's okay.

Sure, there's something wrong with me. Doctors say brains are supposed to function one way, and mine functions the other. My brain isn't healthy. It doesn't produce the chemicals it's supposed to, and my neurotransmitters that handle that, don't know how to communicate to my brain. But that's okay. Just because my brain isn't healthy, doesn't mean the rest of me can't be. Just because my brain doesn't know how to make me feel happy, doesn't mean I can't fight to make it do so. 

It's hard living a life knowing you aren't like everyone else. It's hard living a life envying the people who have brains that do what they were designed to do. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that my brain may never be normal. But I am thankful for the medications readily available to me that try to help my brain do what it's supposed to do. I'm thankful for the people in my life who accept me and love me despite knowing that my brain doesn't function like theirs does. I'm thankful for the opportunities to participate in therapy - something that was designed to help my brain just like my medications. 

My brain has become my own worst enemy. It's impossible to feel normal when your brain doesn't do what it's supposed to do. It's tough waking up every day going back to war with the one thing that's supposed to function correctly. It's exhausting fighting day in and day out against yourself. But I'll never give up. I know there's a chance I'll never get better, but I'll die trying. 

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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