When the Day Comes to Once Again Face the Unknown

Today was a day I have been trying to avoid for months. Today was a day that has been giving me anxiety for the last few weeks, and it was a day that hadn’t even occurred yet. Today was the day my psychiatrist and I came to the agreement to take me off of one of my medications, and start me on two new medications. Today was the day that I had to accept that I have now tried 9 different mental health medications, and that the number may continue to change, as much as I do not want it to.

Sometimes I wonder if those who do not deal with mental illness understand how serious and terrifying changing your mental health medications can be. Mental health medications themselves are a terrifying thing. I think that the one thing people fail to realize is that these medications can actually contradict your illnesses. The one thing used to treat your illnesses contradicts them.

Some of the most common side effects are new or worsening thoughts about suicide or dying, attempts to commit suicide, new or worsening depression, new or worsening anxiety, feeling agitated or restless, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, new or worsening irritability, weight gain, signs of anger or violence, other unusual changes in behavior or mood.

Now wait just a minute. Those are all common symptoms of mental illness. Isn’t that what we’re trying to treat here? You’ve got to be kidding me.

That’s basically what ran through my head the first time I was told all of that. I sat in that doctor’s office utterly confused. Why in the world would I want to take something that’s supposed to help me, but can just as easily make everything worse? I already have thoughts of dying. I’d love for all of this to go away and death seems to be the only answer to making it go away. Why would I want to take something that can cause my thoughts about death to worsen? I have major depressive disorder. Not just clinical or chronic depression. My M3 score (scientific way that doctors use to scale the severity of mental illness) is a 97 out of 100. Why would I want to take something that may make that even worse, even though it can’t really get much worse? I already have existing anxiety that causes several anxiety attacks weekly. Why would I want to make that any worse than it already is? I’m already agitated most of the time, and I’m constantly feeling restless, why would I want to take something that’s just going to make all of that worse? I already have panic attacks. Why would I want to take something that’s going to increase the chances of having them more frequently? I’m already dealing with insomnia. Why would I want to take something that could just make it worse? I’m already irritable on a 24/7 basis. Why would I want to take something that could increase that? I already have an eating disorder. I already binge one minute, and purge the next. Why would I want to take something that could make me gain weight, therefore causing me to purge for an extended amount of time, while further destroying my body? I’m not angry or violent. But why would I want to take something that could create those feelings, emotions, and actions? My mental illness causes mood swings constantly. Why would I want to take something that’s just going to increase them? My thoughts on the matter still have not changed to this day. Why would I want to change what I’m already on if a new medication can make it all worse?

Those who have a negative outlook on mental health medications, usually say it’s because it can cause your mental health symptoms to worsen. A lot of people have a hard time trying to understand why anyone would ever want to take that risk. This was something I had to consider the first time I was considering medications for my illnesses. This was a chance I was going to have to take. This was a decision I had to make. Did I want to take my chances of it getting worse, in hopes that the medications would actually help me? Or did I want to try to beat my mental illness without the help of medications designed to help regulate my chemicals and the performance of my neurotransmitters?

I’m not so sure people understand how absolutely terrifying it is to sit in a doctor’s office at age 13 and consider all of this. I was told that I may have to try different ones before I even found the right one to help me. That was also extremely terrifying. I didn’t want to try a bunch of different ones. I wanted to only take one, and get better within a few months. I’m not so sure people understand how absolutely terrifying it is to sit in your psychiatrist’s office 8 years later and admit to him that your medications are no longer doing their job. I’m not so sure people understand how absolutely terrifying it is to know that you must once again try something new that may or may not cause everything to get worse.

Changing mental health medications is a very serious matter. If you forget to refill your prescription and miss even one day, your body will start to go through physical withdrawals, and your brain basically doesn’t know what to do with itself. It can cause a rapid downward spiral. It’s the same concept when you go to start a new medication. Each one is uniquely different. Your brain and your body are used to taking a certain one, so you must slowly take yourself off of one, and slowly start yourself on another in order for your brain and your body to readjust. If not, your body is unable to adjust to the change, and will soon begin to go through withdrawals.

Changing mental health medications is always something I have taken very seriously. I do not allow myself to do it incorrectly, because the withdrawals are the most awful thing I have ever experienced. However, it has been many years since my last medication change. I cannot express to you how absolutely terrified I am to once again start the process over and begin something new.

I began the combination of two mental health medications years ago after trying many, and having negative results. I loved the combination. They balanced each other out very well. They made the days a little bit brighter. I knew that eventually your body begins to adapt to the medications and modifications or changes might be needed. Over the years, my doctor has increased my dosage of one of them several times. I had no problem with that. But I guess I always thought that we could continue to do so and that this combination would work for at least a few more years.

The days have lost their sunshine. The light has vanished. I have lost all energy and motivation to complete any kind of task. I have been waking up each morning feeling as if I haven’t slept enough for my sleeping medication to no longer affect me throughout the day. I thought that was the problem. I thought I just wasn’t sleeping enough. Today I was told that it is in fact, not the medication. It is the fact that my depression has gotten worse, therefore making me feel as if I’m ‘lagging’ through the day. My anti-depressant is supposed to give me a boost of energy (it’s used to treat the lack of dopamine) for the day. I haven’t felt that in months. The days seem useless, long, pointless, and dark. They are filled with PTSD triggers, anxiety triggers, bad thoughts, and panic attacks. I tried my best to ignore that, because in the back of my mind, I knew a medication change was almost inevitable. I didn’t want to change medications, but here I am, preparing to start something new tomorrow once again.

I am terrified. I am absolutely scared to death. What if it makes everything worse? Almost all of the other mental health medications that I have tried have made everything worse. I do not want to deal with any of that again. I do not want to get worse. I want to get better. I want to feel better. There is the chance that my performance at work could be altered, and there is the chance that this could negatively affect my personal relationships. There is a chance that this could alter anything and everything. I hope and I pray that these two new drugs will react positively with my current anti-depressant. I hope and I pray that they will provide the right combination that I need to get better. I hope and I pray that this is the last time I will ever have to alter my medications.

This is about trying to accept the fact that I have to take another chance. The want and the need to get better is greater than the fear of the unknown. Through the tears and the fear, I will push through it. Through the tears and the fear, I will begin yet another round of medication in hopes that I will see the light once again.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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