You Telling Me, "You're fine," Changes Nothing

The words, “you’re fine,” are probably the two words that anger me the most. Since I began my journey with mental illness and recovery many years ago, they have always angered me, because it seems that the only context they're ever used in towards me, are in reference to people telling me I'm not as unstable as I think I am. It seems that I hear those words nearly every single week from at least one person. Those words change nothing. They do not help me feel better.

I have learned that I must be extremely careful who I open up to when I'm having a bad day. I am a functioning mental health patient. I have what's called "high functioning mental illness." This means that I can carry on with daily tasks, maintain friendships and relationships, as well as pretend absolutely nothing is wrong. I do my best to act as if I'm happy so that I am not bringing down those around me. The only problem with that is no one takes me seriously when I express that I'm not okay or that I'm having a bad day. The words, "oh, but you're fine," usually follow in response. 

I know that I am not okay. If I was, mental illness wouldn't have a place in my life. You telling me that I'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be, that I'm doing fine, or doing well, changes nothing. All it does is anger me, and then remind me why I never voice when I just need someone there to listen. 

You are minimizing my illnesses. You are minimizing me. You are basically telling me that my feelings and emotions are not valid just because you don't see both sides of my life. 

There's a huge long list that I could come up with for things you should never say to someone with mental illness. I won't bore you with it, but I can at least say that this phrase is probably at the top of my list. You telling me that I am fine when I really am not, shows me that you essentially understand nothing about mental illness. 

Just because my illnesses do not typically manifest physically in front of you, does not minimize the severity of them, nor does it mean that I am actually okay inside. In all honesty, the second I hear this phrase, I want to put on my sassy pants, use the most sarcasm I have ever intended to use, and respond with, "Oh my goodness. You are so right. I really am just fine. You telling me that I'm fine has fixed every single thing that's going on inside of my brain. You have cured me. Thank you."

A depressive episode, an anxiety attack, or a panic attack that last for several days, are not my hormones. They are not a result of me thinking myself into them. The only two things that cause me to have a bad day, are either a trigger, or the fact that the neurotransmitters inside my brain are not functioning properly and my chemicals are off balance, therefore resulting in me not being able to cope properly. 

I know myself fairly well for feeling lost. I’ve had my illnesses for so long, that I usually know how they affect me or what is going to trigger me. I know what goes on inside of my head and I know when something doesn’t feel quite right. I know when I am not okay and I know when things are worse than normal. Chances are, you don’t know me like I do, and you do not know my illnesses like I do. Therefore, you have zero authority to tell me that I am fine. You do not have the power to say such a thing unless you suffer the same things that I do. When I say I am not okay, you do not have the power to say that I am. The words coming out of your mouth change absolutely nothing; the words do not mean I am suddenly okay just because you say so.

I would be lying if I said "you're fine," didn't take a small blow to my self-esteem. Those living without mental illness will never understand how much strength and courage it takes to look someone in the eye and tell them you are not okay. They will never understand how incredibly difficult it is to admit to someone that you need help. The second someone responds with, "but you're fine," is the second I shut up and never bring it back up with that person again. My feelings and emotions have just been invalidated. What I need is compassion. Telling me that I'm fine is not compassion. Quite frankly, I see it as a selfish statement because I've found that most people say it because they do not want to listen to what I have to say, therefore have themselves completely convinced that I really am just fine. Other times, it’s because they are so closed minded to the entire concept, that they legitimately believe that I really am just fine. It's as if they think that by telling me that, I will either believe them and will no longer suffer, or I will believe them and shut up about it because they do not want to listen.  

The sad part is? I let them win. I shut up about it. Why? Because who in their right mind would want to talk to someone about your problems when that someone doesn't even believe you have any? I allow those around me to overpower me, and keep me quiet. And that my friends, is part of the stigma that needs to end. 

Shutting me down or shutting me up makes me feel like I am a disgrace in this world. I feel shame and humiliation for even saying something in the first place. I only have 3 friends in my life that I can break down in front of and admit to that I am not okay. Sure, I have my family. But I hate to admit to them that I'm not okay. My heart breaks when I think about the fact that my parents and step-parents have a mentally ill child. I sometimes feel as if I am not what they wanted me to be when I admit to them that I am not okay. But the fact that I only have 3 friends who understand that I am not okay and want to listen, says a lot. I should be able to admit to anyone that I am not okay. I should not feel shame or humiliation from anyone. I should be able to openly admit that I am not okay and that I just need someone to listen, without being afraid. I am legitimately scared to tell someone that I just need them there to listen for a little while. I am scared to death because of the previous reactions I have received from the many people I made the mistake of admitting it to. 

I should not have to walk on eggshells. I should not have to be careful of who I admit it to. I should not be stigmatized for wanting to talk about my mental illness or my bad days. 

I am sick and tired of having to tell everyone that I'm okay when I am asked how I am doing. I am sick and tired of lying to those around me, and leading them to believe that there really is nothing wrong with me. It is not fair to the person asking, and it certainly is not fair to me. Sadly, the people who might actually want to know the truthful answer, won't be getting it out of me because the people who have stigmatized me in the past have ruined it for them. 

The only way to end the stigma is to talk about mental illness. If you know someone who suffers from any kind of mental illness, please listen. Please do not tell them that they are fine just because you think they are. Please make the decision to listen to what they have to say so that we can end the stigma one conversation at a time.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

Image credit: Unsplash