You Know Me, But Do You Know My PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder is most commonly associated with veterans of the military, specifically those involved in combat. However, the ratio between those who develop PTSD from war, and those who develop PTSD from any other kind of traumatic event, are not far off from each other. PTSD can develop as a result of rape, molestation, abuse, neglect, a loved one’s death, a car accident, natural disaster, etc.
When someone experiences a traumatic event, for some - not everyone - their brain tells their body that some of its functions are less important. The parts of the brain that store memory, emotion, and thinking get "turned off" for a little while. Normal emotions are "shut off" as a result of the traumatic experience. That detachment from the memory and the experience is what can trigger PTSD following the traumatic event.
There are several things that make up the definition of PTSD. In order to be diagnosed with PTSD, an adult must have one of the following (which should not be used for self-diagnosis) for at least one month: at least one re-experiencing symptom, at least one avoidance symptom, at least two arousal and reactivity symptoms, and at least two cognition and mood symptoms. Re-experiencing symptoms can negatively affect a person’s daily life and can include flashbacks (reliving the trauma over and over), nightmares/bad dreams, and frightening thoughts. Avoidance symptoms can include staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the traumatic experience, and avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the traumatic event. Avoiding triggers can cause a person to change his/her personal or daily routine. Arousal and reactivity symptoms include being easily startled, feeling tense or on edge, having difficulty sleeping, or having angry outbursts. Arousal symptoms are typically more constant instead of only occurring after a trigger. These symptoms make it difficult to do daily tasks like eating, sleeping, or concentrating. Cognition and mood symptoms include trouble remembering key features of the traumatic event, negative thoughts about oneself of the world, distorted feelings like guilt or blame, and loss of interest in enjoyable activities.
Out of that list of symptoms, the only one that I lack is the angry outbursts which fall under the arousal and reactivity symptoms.
I'm unsure when my PTSD first developed. The majority of my life is a blur, so I am unsure if anything happened in my childhood to cause the onset of it. One thing is clear out of all of it though; it became severe in 2012. There have been 3 traumatic experiences since then that I am currently in therapy for. The people around me can typically tell that I have depression or anxiety because they manifest physically more often than my PTSD. Which is surprising to me since my PTSD almost always manifests physically. I do not speak often of my traumatic experiences, which explains exactly why the people around me are unaware that PTSD is actually my most dominating mental illness. They typically think my panic attacks are just random and without cause behind it. The people around me know me. They know that I struggle. But they don't know my PTSD.
In 2012, my PTSD became the monster inside of me. It is now the make-up of my demons.
Trauma is an interesting concept to me. It is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. My past traumas have caused me to feel stressed, frightened, and in danger, even when I am, in fact, not. I know my body is responding physiologically to a threat that my brain thinks exists in that moment in time, yet there is no threat. My past traumas have caused me to no longer know how to cope with stress or threatening situations, nor am I able to distinguish between when stress or threatening situations are happening or not. Now, hypothetically speaking, someone in this world could have experienced the exact same traumatic events that I have. In no way does that mean that they will have developed PTSD. Some people can recover from trauma with no complications. Others cannot, therefore resulting in the development of PTSD.
PTSD is unlike any of my other mental illnesses. It is one of a kind and it's difficult for me to put it into words in order for someone who does not have it to understand what it's like. I always thought that my depression and anxiety were debilitating because there were days when I just couldn't get out of bed and fully function. I was absolutely wrong. The one debilitating mental illness that I have, by a long shot, would be my PTSD.
Debilitating, to me, is an understatement. PTSD literally makes me unable to function. Now, I have high functioning mental illness. Meaning I can typically or almost always hold down a job, maintain friendships, function on a day to day basis, etc. However, PTSD is the one mental illness I’m unable to get control of. I wake up knowing that it’s there every single day. But there are days that it does not affect me and I can get through my day with ease. Some days are easier than others. On my bad days, forget it; I will not be able to work, talk to anyone, get out of bed, do anything productive, and you can typically find me having a panic attack for several hours.
My flashbacks and panic attacks are typically what cause me to no longer function. Panic attacks are completely different than anxiety attacks, but that’s a topic for a completely different day. My panic attacks come out of nowhere, typically for no reason or trigger. They're unpredictable and last much longer than my anxiety attacks ever do. My panic attacks are a literal out of body experience. My entire world stops, and I physically cannot carry on or hold myself together, emotionally or physically. My flashbacks are extremely vivid. It’s almost as if my eyes are a projector, my brain is creating the image, and whatever is in front of me suddenly becomes the white screen that my eyes are projecting onto. The entire world will stop and the only thing in existence is that flashback and whatever it’s taking me back to. The flashbacks seem like they last for minutes, which seem more like an eternity, but I’m never sure of what reality is while they’re happening. The only thing I see in front of me are the exact images and/or situations that happened during my traumatic events.
Most days, I would give anything to go back and remove myself from the traumatic situations and events. I would never wish PTSD on my worst enemy. It is dreadful, exhausting, and frightening. I do not want to remember the trauma. I wish it would go away and never come back. I wish I could have recovered from the trauma normally and moved on with my life. I wish I did not have to relive my trauma day after day, week after week.
My brain is seeking the enemy everywhere I go. For me specifically, it is seeking someone who can or will do the same things to me that have already previously occurred. However, just recently I’ve realized that the enemy is not those who have hurt me, it is my own brain itself. My brain is constantly on high alert, telling me to stay alert, and to be hyper-vigilant. People are constantly questioning why I’m so tired all of the time. I’d like to tell them to take a day and deal with exactly what goes on inside of my head as a result of my PTSD, and then come back to me and ask me the same question.
On the days that I am “well,” on the days that those around me seem to think I’m doing just fine, I’m actually awaiting my next trigger, the next panic attack. I am consciously aware that it can happen at any moment. If I’m at work and someone comes up behind me and I do not hear them and startles me as a result: trigger. If a man I do not know touches me even in the slightest, even if it’s in an appropriate way: trigger. If someone yells, even if it isn’t directed at me: trigger. If someone gets angry, even if it isn’t directed at me: trigger. If someone has a facial expression on their face that I read as threatening, degrading, or judgmental: trigger. If someone accidentally words something wrong in the slightest of ways without even knowing: trigger. If I accidentally or forcibly have to drive or walk by a specific place that reminds me of one of my traumatic events: trigger. See, almost everything in my daily life is a trigger, so it feels nearly impossible to escape it. PTSD doesn’t just affect my daily life, it literally controls it.
I am completely aware that my reactions (i.e. my panic attacks) to my triggers seem excessive to those around me. I unfortunately cannot control my physiological symptoms as a result of my psychological symptoms. During the times that I am triggered, my brain is noisy. It will not slow down, nor will the racing thoughts and flashbacks stop. I’m almost constantly internally screaming at my own brain to shut up. This illness consumes me. If I am work and I am triggered, I typically have to go home early or have a mental breakdown in my manager’s office for a while before I can continue my work. I lack complete control of this illness, and I am someone who always likes to be in control. I despise the fact that I have this illness. I despise the fact that I cannot control it. I do not get some kind of 3 minute warning that I’m going to be triggered in t-minus 180 seconds. I do not get some kind of 5 minute warning that I am going to slip into a panic attack in t-minus 300 seconds. I do not get some kind of warning that I’m going to experience a flashback in t-minus 30 seconds. PTSD comes with no warning. My panic attacks and flashbacks as a result of this awful illness do not come with a warning. I cannot predict its arrival. Suddenly I will turn the corner and it’s there to punch me straight in the gut with the most condescending smile on its face ready to overtake my entire existence. Other times, it’s a bit sneakier and creeps up behind me to slowly wrap me in its arms and overtake me.
No matter how it comes about, I can be seen fighting, kicking, and screaming. I can die knowing that I fought will of my will and strength to beat my demons. I will not let this illness win.
If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741
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