The One Thing That Keeps Me From Relapsing, Is Sometimes The One Thing That Upsets Me The Most
In 2013, I made the decision to begin my journey through recovery and healing. Prior to that, the word recovery had zero significance in my life and my mental illness consumed every ounce of my being, and I allowed it. Before I made the decision to recover, I was at least keeping track of my days without cutting myself in hopes that it would help. I always had people tell me that it was a terrible idea because I shouldn't have to keep track of something like that since that shouldn't be what motivates me. Unfortunately, with addiction, not many things can motivate you, and I needed something.
Keeping track of my days without relapse made it just a little bit easier to make it to the next day. During my beginning stages of recovery, 7 days without it was like a miracle, and it was an enormous accomplishment for myself as I was hurting myself several times a day, not just here and there. As time went on, I hit 100 days, then 200 days, and somehow 1 year, and then 2 years, and even 3 years. The longer I went, the more accomplished I felt. However, keeping track of my days only worked for so long. There is one thing that has always kept me from relapsing, and that is the very first tattoo I ever got.
In 2010, I was driving in my car, listening to one of my favorite Christian radio stations. There was nothing special about that day, except for that moment when a new song that had just been released came on. I took the time to listen to the words, and eventually had to pull over because I was shaking from crying so hard and couldn't see straight from the amount of tears welling up in my eyes. The song is called You Are More and it was composed by my favorite band, Tenth Avenue North. The song's message entirely is, "This is not about what you've done or what's been done to you. This is not about where you've been but where your brokenness brings you to." The chorus itself is what is permanently ingrained in my mind and will always be one of the biggest reasons why I have fought so hard for recovery. The exact words are, "You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create, you've been remade."
From that day forward, I promised myself that if I ever got a tattoo someday, the word 'remade' would go above my scars on my left wrist. Of course, I had to wait until I was at least 18 before I could even think about getting it. Therefore, I didn't really have anything to hold me accountable or to keep me from relapsing, so I continued to do just that regularly. In 2013, I was fortunate enough to finally get what I had always promised myself. The word means so much to me in so many ways. I take my faith very seriously and I will always believe that God is the only reason I have ever made it out of this whole mess alive. He has given me so many wonderful people and resources to help me along the way. He gave me that song to help lift me out of the deep and dark hole of depression and addiction. He gave me the artist that created the most beautiful work of art on my body.
The act of cutting is just as much of an addiction as alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, etc. Scientists have proven that it releases the same chemicals, which gives you the 'high feeling.' This was the only way I knew how to both release my emotions, and punish myself simultaneously. I struggled with it for many years. I still struggle with the thoughts of constantly wanting to relapse. This upcoming January will be 4 years since I've last relapsed. While that is a huge accomplishment, it also isn't something I feel as proud of as I would have thought. I do not believe in the saying 'once an addict, always an addict.' People who go to AA meetings introduce themselves by saying, 'My name is ____ and I'm an alcoholic.' Saying something like that means that your addiction has become your identity. My addiction used to be my identity; it used to be the only thing I identified myself with. The only reason I know I am still an addict, is because the thoughts still consume me, just maybe not as often as they used to. Someday, I will no longer be an addict. I will know when that day comes, for several reasons. When something terrible happens to me, the thoughts of relapse will not consume me. When I do something that I previously thought deserved a punishment, the thoughts of relapse will not consume me. When someone says something awful and hurtful to me, the thoughts of relapse will not consume me.
There are days when I would love to pick up any sort of sharp object and release all of the built up guilt, hurt, and pain. I can't count how many times I have sat in my house contemplating it, sometimes even staring at the object I used to regularly use. There is only one thing that has ever stopped me, and that is that one little word on my wrist.
My tattoo sits at the very top of my wrist, with all of my scars underneath it. The scars run from the very base of the tattoo, to my inner elbow. They are not as deep as other scars out there on some people, but that does not mean a thing in terms of my depth of emotional pain. They are noticeable if one pays enough attention. The scars themselves are very triggering. Each time I look at them, I wish I would have gone deeper. Each time I look at them, all I want is to open them up with something. But that one little word just sits there, staring me straight in the face.
I have never admitted that my most meaningful tattoo has ever angered me, but I figured it was time. That one little word sits there looking innocent and elegant while I'm sitting here having a panic attack, convulsing from crying so hard, and internally - and sometimes physically - screaming from the amount of emotional pain I am feeling. I sometimes want to scream at the tattoo itself and rip that area of my skin off so that I no longer have to look at it. I have not relapsed since the day I got this word permanently marked on my body. The only reason is because I look at it, and I feel so much guilt for even thinking such dark and awful thoughts. The entire concept of Christianity, which is where my faith lies, is the fact that Christ came to do what He did so that I no longer have to physically harm myself. Each time I look down on my wrist with the intent to relapse, that word stares right back at me, reminding me of what was done for me. At that point, I typically just start crying even harder, but instead of a cry for help, I'm crying out to God.
My most meaningful tattoo makes me extremely angry at times. In reality, it was the smartest decision I could have ever made for myself. Because of it, I have not relapsed, and I do not ever see it happening again, as much as I wish I could just do it and get it over with some days. It is the reason for my recovery, and it is the reason I have made it as far as I have. For that, I will always be thankful.
If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741
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