The Fear of Getting Better

I wrestle with the fear of getting better at least 12 times a day. I have my moments where I can't wait to get better. I get so excited about what life will be like when mental illness no longer has its grip on me. But I also have my moments of pure terror, panic, and fear about what life is going to be like when mental illness no longer has its grip on me.

I'm sure you're probably wondering why in the world I would fear something so wonderful. I ask myself that same question each time someone tells me that they, too, fear getting better. It doesn't make any sense to me. I have people in my life that deserve the moon and the stars, so they certainly deserve to live a life without mental illness. But I always think they're crazy when they tell me that they fear getting better. But then I remember that I fear the exact same thing.

See, I feel like all my life, all I've ever known is mental illness. I was not diagnosed in my teenage years like most people are. Mental illness was not originally caused because of normal, everyday, stressors from high school and transitioning into adulthood. I was diagnosed at a fairly young age; 12 to be exact. I know that doesn't sound like it was that long ago, but it's actually half of my lifetime ago. It's been 10 years since I was first diagnosed with depression. Although, when I look back at how I felt before I was 12, I wouldn't be surprised if I was diagnosed beforehand.

From the diagnosis of major depressive disorder, came insomnia and anxiety shortly after. A few years following, came post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, and a minor case of OCD. Years later, just recently, came borderline personality disorder. 

Since I was originally diagnosed with MDD at such a young age and several other diagnoses had followed, I've had a hard time trying to set myself apart from the diagnoses themselves. Each one had its own hold on my life, and began to control my every move, word, or decision. 

I feel like all I've ever known is mental illness. I don't remember much of my childhood. I feel like the first important thing I remember is mental illness, and I was already 12 at that time. With age, comes maturity and transitioning into adulthood. As I matured and transitioned, so did mental illness. It kept following me and I couldn't get away from it.

Most people are aware of how strong-willed and resilient I am. I let mental illness consume me for many years. But once I hit about 18, I fought with everything inside of me to beat mental illness. I want so badly to live a life without it. I envy those of you who get to live a life without it. I dream about a life and what it must be like to live without it. 

And yet I fear that very thing.

I fear getting better because mental illness is all I have ever known. Mental illness, the sadness, and the guilt are all too familiar. Quite frankly, it's comfortable. I'm comfortable sulking. It has all become my identity, and if I get better, I lose that identity. I lose the very person that I have built myself up to be. I lose all I've ever known, and no one wants to give up something that they've known for half of their lifetime and makes them feel so comfortable. 

Who am I without mental illness? Most days, the answer is no one. Because mental illness has made me into such a beautiful soul, I fear that if I get better, I lose all of those qualities. 

Most of all, I'll never have an answer as to why I am the way that I am. Everything that I say and do, all of the decisions that I make, come from mental illness. My diagnoses have all given me answers, and I'll always be thankful for that. But I associate anything and everything with my mental illness. That apple I picked at the grocery store? It was that specific one because of my OCD. The other day I spent in bed doing absolutely nothing? It was because I was depressed, even though I might not have been, not because I could spend a day in bed just because I felt like it. That route I took to work that differed from the route I normally take? I took it because of my PTSD and trying to avoid a certain person or place, not because I could take it to enjoy the scenic route. 

Getting better means facing the unknown. Who am I without mental illness? What am I without mental illness? I told my therapist a few weeks ago that I actually feared that I would not allow myself to get better, because I'm afraid of getting better. She said that it's completely normal, and yet I still feel like I'm the only one who thinks about that. 

I am the only one holding me back from getting better. And it's all for a stupid reason, because who wouldn't want to get better? I am the only one keeping me from living a life without mental illness. One of these days, it isn't going to be like that anymore. I like to think that I won't hold myself back from getting better forever. It isn’t a switch I can flip and somehow miraculously get better, it takes time and effort. But most days, I’m not willing to put in that effort because I’m terrified of what life is going to be like without the comfort of mental illness. I don’t know how to get to the point of getting better and not holding myself back from doing so. But one of these days I’ll figure it out.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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