An Open Letter to My Abuser

For those of you who did not already know, I moved out to Georgia in May of 2014 for just about the dumbest reason ever. I swore I was in love, and I was - I think - except it was with a nonexistent person. 

Some men are very good at pretending to be exactly who and what you think you need. They say and do all the right things. They use it to their advantage and use it to manipulate you. I was naive, and believed him. 

Looking back, there were red flags even from the start. I have struggled for years to understand why I was so stupid to believe him; to figure out why I was so stupid not to see all of the signs that he was manipulative and abusive in so many ways. 

I have only been home for 3 years as of this November, but it feels like an eternity with all of the guilt, shame, and anger I have carried with me. Everything has felt so heavy for so long. I am not schizophrenic in any way, but I do hear a voice in my head. It's more like the devil on my shoulder, and not a vivid voice, that in other people's heads, seems real. But it is his voice that I hear anytime there is a negative thought that comes about. Any negative thought that I think of, I already heard him say during my six months of living out there.

For those of you who read my post about eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, you will recall that the first traumatic event that we have focused on has been this one. It's where most of my self-hatred comes from, and when you work on the self-hatred, almost everything else surrounding it improves, which is why it was our first choice to rework. 

I had my second session yesterday. It was difficult, but I made a lot of progress. However, at the end of it, she did say that she felt like there was still something that was left unsaid or undone in the reworking. Therefore, I hadn't fully reprocessed the trauma yet. She asked me if I draw or anything. I told her no, but that I write. She felt that writing about it would be the perfect way for me to say whatever it is I still feel like I needed to say, so that I can put it all in the past where it belongs.

So here I am. Doing the one thing I swore I would never do until I was ready to write my book. But somehow, the plan I always have, is never the plan that actually works out. So here I am, ready to say what I have wanted to say for so long. And I am not sorry about any of it in anyway.

You had me so fooled; wrapped right around your finger to do whatever it was you wanted me to do. I was in love, I will never deny that. Except the person I loved never existed, because you were the best liar I had ever met. You knew exactly what you were doing when you manipulated me into believing that you loved me too.

I have always pictured love to be this nurturing and healthy concept; difficult, but worth it. Nothing about you was nurturing or healthy, and the fact that I thought the opposite is why I have hated myself for so long. I don't know why I didn't see it from the start. You never cared about my mental illness. You never cared about helping me work through it so that I could eventually live a life without it. You never cared about the trauma I endured before you. In fact, looking back, I don't even know if you ever even listened when I told you about it. You never cared about my wants or needs. 

Everything in our relationship was only about you.

It didn't take me long to figure out that who you portrayed yourself to be was not who you really were. But I swore that the person you portrayed yourself to be was somewhere deep down inside, and that he would eventually come back out. I saw potential in you, and they say potential is the most dangerous thing in a relationship. And they're right. Because you never met that potential and you never will.

I can't imagine how miserable your life must be. To live a life and treat others the way you have treated me baffles me. 

Almost daily, I remind myself of how disgusting, useless, and stupid I am. At first, I try to convince myself that I have no reason to believe those things. But then I remember that those are the things you used to say to me daily. With every hurtful word, and every hand you ever laid on me, came the belief that you were right; because you somehow had me convinced that you were the only one that was right.

Let me tell you what love is supposed to be like.

Love is never supposed to be you. You do not know what love is, and I believe you will never know what love is. Love is not expecting your girlfriend to work two jobs and pull most of the weight financially while you sit on your lazy butt all day, eat, and watch tv, while you maybe decide to go to school three days a week. Love is not expecting her to let you spend all of the money on pointless sports tickets and anything else sports related to the point where we couldn't even pay the bills. Love is not telling her that you can't afford to take her someplace she wants to go, and then go to a game the next day. Love is not nasty name calling. Love is not telling her how disgusting she is. Love is not making her have sex with you because that's what you want, not taking into account of what she wants. Love is not making her do things that increase her anxiety levels past what she should be pushed to do. Love is not calling her ugly even has a joke – although sometimes, I don’t think it was meant as a joke. Love is not telling her that she's useless because she did something wrong on accident. Love is not laying a hand on her, whether you said you meant it as a joke or not – laying a hand on a woman is never supposed to be a joke, and it should never happen under any circumstances. Love is selfless, not selfish. But you will never know what that kind of love feels like, because you will never be able to move past your selfish tendencies. You are not love. Your actions and words are not love.

I used to think that people who were in abusive relationships could leave just as easily as they entered into them. But then I experienced you, and I realized how wrong I was. When you think you're in love, you will do anything to make it work. You fight and you fight and you fight to make it work because it would be humiliating to admit that it didn't. When you are manipulated every single day, it's impossible to convince yourself that you can leave. A fight happened, and I thought it was time to leave. But you always found the right words to say in order to convince me to stay. You promised it would get better, that you would stop. But it never did get better, it only got worse. 

Lucky for me, I'm strong willed just like mama. And mama always taught me that you take nothing from no one. You stand up for yourself, and you never back down from what you know is right. So no matter how much you manipulated me, and no matter what you had to say in order to make it better, I knew better. My favorite part is when you used to tell me to go back to California if I was so miserable.

Watch me.

The best decision I ever made was to come back home, no matter how humiliating it was.

The sad part is, though? You could care less about what you have done to me. You never blinked twice, and you never will. I have lived a life for so long, locked up in your prison cell that only you had the keys to. My PTSD kept giving you the power to control my life, even after moving back home and living my own life. People like you don't care about what they do to other people. In fact, on the off chance that you'll ever read this, you'll call me a liar and tell me that I made it all up for attention. Because people like you never see the wrong that they do. People like you think they're perfect. People like you are so narcissistic. And people like you will never care about hurting people like me.

And that is exactly why I'm taking my power back.

Psychotherapy has finally showed me that I can take my power back. EMDR has given me so much empowerment; the empowerment that I should have had the moment I decided to come home. I love proving you wrong. All those times you told me I would never get to go to Europe to see Emily cut me so deep. But my favorite part has been proving you wrong; joke's on you, I've been 3 times. You always used to tell me that I would never amount to anything. Joke's on you, because I am so proud of who I have become, and what I have amounted up to. 

Your words cut so deep for so long. But I'm taking that knife, and throwing it in Adriatic, along with the keys to that prison cell, because you're the one locked in there now. My favorite part about EMDR is the fact that I get to use my imagination on how to rework the situation. And my favorite part about getting to use my imagination, is imaging myself in Croatia - on a continent you always said I would never get to see - and throwing the things you have held over my head for so long, into the most beautiful body of water I have ever seen, while I leave you stranded there with nothing and no one. You will never have anything, and you will never have anyone, because you don't know the meaning of life. You don't know how precious the people around you are. But I do, and I cherish that. While you're stranded there, with nothing and no one like you made me feel for 6 months, I'm taking back my power.

You will no longer control my life anymore. At first, I felt stupid for allowing you to control my life even after putting almost 3,000 miles between us. But then I remembered that that is my illness. My PTSD has allowed you to control my life, not me. And there is so much empowerment in that. There is so much empowerment in finally dealing with the hell you put me through, and making the ending what it should have been a long time ago. 

You never deserved my time. You never deserved my money. You never deserved my love, and my God I gave you so much of it. You never deserved an ounce of it. You never deserved my effort. You never deserved anything from me, and I will no longer let you convince me that I'm stupid for giving you any of those things. You are a lesson now, not a regret. 

You don't care about what I have to say. But for the first time, I don't care about that. I have waited so long to say what I needed to say. And I finally get to call you out for what you really are; nothing and no one. You are the literal scum of the earth, and I can't stand you. You are the worst human being I have ever met for putting me through this hell.

I am so strong now. You taught me what love is not supposed to be, and for that, I will never settle again. Your voice will no longer be the devil on my shoulder, because none of what you said to me is true. The mental scars you left from your physical touch will never eat away at me anymore. 

This is me taking back my power, because you didn't deserve it in the first place. I wish I could hurt you the way that you hurt me, but I could never be that cruel. And for that, I am a much better person than you will ever be. 

In the wise words of Kesha and her brilliant new song: 

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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