Anxiety; the Uninvited Guest

Anxiety is always present. It doesn't matter what I do, or where I go, something is giving me anxiety. What's different for me than for most other people, is that I typically know what causes my anxiety. I typically know what triggers it, and so a lot of the time, I can avoid certain things that might make the already present anxiety worse. It's been a very long time since I've had a day full of anxiety for no apparent reason why. Satuday, however, was much different.

Here I was, in a great mood, heading into work. I spent the first hour or so minding my own darn business and then in walks this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Nothing happened, no one said anything, I didn't think about anything out of the ordinary; it just pushed its way right into my head with no warning and no invitation.

I spent the entire rest of the day on edge. Imagine standing at the edge of the highest cliff on this earth, and feeling as if you have to jump, but have no idea why you feel that way. That is the best way I know how to explain what it's like when I have no trigger or no apparent reason for the overwhelming anxiety. 

Anxiety is like the ripple effect. Once it starts, it just keeps going. One thing after another begins to make my anxiety feel even worse. The things that don't normally give me anxiety, do just that instead. It's extremely frustrating because it's not my "normal" anxiety that I'm feeling. It's unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and uninvited; I didn't expect it like I do with my "normal" anxiety. 

Here's a small look at the thoughts and conversations with myself that run through my head during the times of the uninvited guest

Why am I shaking so much? Why do I feel more sensitive to heat than my usual? Why do I feel nauseous? Why do I feel like I can't breathe? Why does this feel like I'm having an anxiety attack? Nothing happened. I need my Ativan. I can't breathe. Don't vomit you're fine. I need my Ativan. Why does that man keep staring at me? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe he thinks I'm cute. Ew. I need my Ativan. Breathe Laura, you're fine. No, you're not fine quit trying to pull a joke on yourself. I need my Ativan. Every single person in this room is in my way. Why are they all standing so close to me? Everyone hates you. Everyone hates the fact that you're here. I need my Ativan. Breathe. Try to breathe. Calm down. No wait, don't calm down. Who are we kidding, you can't calm down. I really should go take my Ativan. WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE PEOPLE CAN'T STAND ANYWHERE ELSE IN THIS ROOM EXCEPT NEXT TO ME? That man is STILL staring at me. There's definitely something wrong with me then. I wish he'd stop looking at me because it's making me angry. He definitely doesn't think you're cute, because who are we kidding, you're ugly. No I'm not. Okay maybe I am. I need my Ativan. Breathe. Everyone is annoying me by talking. Why can't we have 10 seconds of silence? How is my heart even still alive at this point, it's beating so rapidly? Breathe. CHILL OUT LAURA. I need my Ativan. Why is this lady being so rude? Is the anxiety written all over my face? Maybe I don't look very nice so she's being rude. Yes, it's all my fault. She's being rude because I don't have a sweet look on my face. I need my Ativan. I wish this man would finish his food and leave already. His eyes on me are making me uncomfortable. No one wants you here. Why haven't you taken your Ativan yet, dummy? I can't cool off. This room keeps getting smaller. I need someone to talk me down out of this because clearly I'm not doing anything to help myself. Everyone is in my way. This room isn't big enough. Don't cry you have no reason to. Breathe. Why aren't you breathing? You're dying. Way to be irrational. Chill out, for real. I need my Ativan. 

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

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